When entering Cancer Land you become aware that actually it's nothing to worry about as everyone around you has 'The Cure'. Isn't that brilliant!!! It's an easy problem to fix!! You just phone work and say 'I can't come in today as I'm coming down with some cancer but you know, a little veg and some magic and I'll be back in. Sorry for the inconvenience. Can you ask Bob in marketing to run the tea club in my absence? Ta'
Then you implement all the cures you've been given and you'll be right as rain. A little duvet day and bobs your uncle!
Here's how I do it:
6am - Wake up. Stretch arms above head and drop them down my chest. First thought is 'oh my god one of my tits has fallen off!!! Oh hang on. No it's ok. I remember. I've got Cancer. Phew'
615am - 4 year old Noah - "mummy can I have the iPad?"
630am - I pray. Please don't let it get me.
645am - Drink. Hot water with a slice of lemon. No caffeine. Caffeine causes Cancer.
7am - 2 year old Tait (from his bed) - "mummy GET ME OUT!!!"
In I walk...
Tait - no i wanted daddy
Me - Daddy's at work
Him - Nanny then
Me - She's at home
Him - Ok YOU get me out.
Me - Do you need a wee or a poo?
Him - No
Me - Sit on potty for mummy
Noah - mummy can I have a million iPad? Can I have it tonight? Oh no mummy look. He's pooh'd on the carpet!
Tait - Look mummy I pooh'd. Can I have a sweetie?
Me - Yes in a minute but next time can please you do Mr Pooh on the potty.
Tait - Ok
730 - Coffee time... but you can't drink it. Well you can, it's a bit unclear according to the people with the cures (The curators / Curists?) Drinking caffeine is bad but coffee enemas cure cancer.
745 - Hit the toilet to expel coffee enema. A morning pooh that smells of Kenco is satisfying and horrifying in equal measure.
8am - The dairy dance
Kids - Mum can we have some milk?
Me - Yes here it is. It looks lovely.
Kids - You have some mummy?
Me - I'd love to. I can't have dairy. Dairy is bad. Dairy causes Cancer or can make you more cancery if you already have cancer.
830am Put the washing on
845am Breakfast. I could murder a bacon sandwich. Bacon causes cancer for fucks sake. But if I've already got it does it bloody matter if I unload 8 rashers into my face? Maybe I'll just burn myself some toast... oh hang on. You can't eat burnt toast. It causes cancer.
Let's have kale instead
9am - Mum comes over to look after kids.
Noah - Alright nanny poo poo head. Tait pooh'd on the carpet.
Tait mutters in the background "bloody kids" and I'm thinking...shit! where's he heard that from?
Me - Bye mum. Thanks mum.
10am - Exercise. Exercise is good.
12pm - Return horse to field and eat lunch. Plant based only mind! Dandelion root is exceptionally good for curing cancer
1215 - Get home and have shower. Wash armpits extra well as you can't where deodorant, deodorant is bad. Deodorant causes cancer.
Hang left tit in non underwired bra.
Bra already contains worlds largest dinosaur filet to sort of match the gargantuan boob I have left.
|A whole new meaning to the words Tit-Head|
1230 - Eat a carrot dusted with turmeric.
1300 - Get chemo. Although this may be bad? Could chemo kill me? Some of "The Curators" believe that it's chemo that kills you and also that the extreme diets etc only work if I sack off medical intervention. So am I wrong to have chemo?
Ooooo this is stressful (stress can cause Cancer) so I'll just beat myself up about this while I chew on an apricot Kernel (whatever the fuck that is).
God I could murder some chocolate.... I can't chocolate is bad. It's got sugar in it.
1345 - Pray again
1400 - Drink green tea. When chemo makes everything you eat and drink taste like soil this is almost bearable. Nothing more satisfying then a cup full of allotment water-butt run-off.
1430 - Drive home. Think positive thoughts and maybe get in touch with nature.
1500: Cast a spell. I shit you not. Cast a spell
(Dame Maggie Smith received Chemotherapy for Breast Cancer whilst filming Harry Potter and the deathly hallows. She used drugs. They kicked her ass but she kept going.)
1530: Play trains with the boys. Even if you want to throw up your ring.
Noah - mummy were you at hospital for your poorly booby again? Can I see your plaster? Smell my feet.
1607 - Stick the kids dinner on....salivating at the thought of eating anything that hasn't been plucked from hedge or soil.
It's ok. Eat some more kale. With grated lemon peel on it to zest it right up.
Consider wine....forget it. Wine is bad. Alcohol causes Cancer.
1630 - TV distraction time.
Noah - mummy Tait's just drawn on the wall
Me - bloody kids! (Ah right....I see where that came from then)
Would you like to watch something on the TV?
Noah and Tait - Peter rabbit Peter Rabbit!!!!!! You watch it with us mummy
Me - Of course
(On strolls Tommy Brock the angry badger, dragging a brown bag. He shouts at Peter and his friends "nobody touches my sack without my say so" ...quite right badger!!!! And I start laughing.)
Kids - why are you laughing mummy.
Me - he's a funny badger
1700 - The witching hour(s) begin. Food is hurled, whinges are whinged. Protests are held about the chilli I've made and tactics have to be used to get to Tait to eat...
1800 - Juicing time again. Kale, lemon, coconut oil, turmeric. By this time I may as well drink it whilst sat on the toilet...
1830 - Carry both kids up the stairs on my back to the cheer of 'horsey ride'
1900 - Bedtime. Running between two kids bedrooms reading stories and singing nursery rhymes way out of tune. Clean wee off the toilet seat and floor. Remind Noah to practice his aim.
Kiss them goodnight over and over and over again, aware of how grateful I am to still be here with them. Look over at the big black dragon that Noah has in his room that belongs to my daughter Ally. Aware of the pain that never leaves me because I miss her so much and there is nothing I can do to heal that pain.
1930 - Relax. Slob down in the lounge. Put the bacon on, burn the toast, break out the wine and line up the chocolate telling myself I'll start afresh tomorrow.
Smile....because I am alive.